I feel like I’m painting a picture of myself here with all the peacetalk, and I think it’s important to go ahead and let you know, in case you don’t already, that I am not perfect in any capacity of the word. I didn’t find my way easily, and while yes, I did begin with some stuff that wasn’t my fault, I have found plenty of that along the way. Stuff that was my fault, that is.

Because when you operate out of a place of trauma or fear or pain, it is actually pretty impossible to be very helpful to anyone at all. And since that is always what I meant to be, helpful, it was out of a space that felt like there would be no other reason for these people to keep me around if I weren’t that.

But what I had to give were broken pieces from broken places, and what I thought I had to offer was also made of a very broken idea of who I was. And yes, I realize that I’m telling you to be nice to yourself, but I’m not being nice to myself. But I am. I have forgiven many little chapters of myself, and will continue to work to make it to them all. It’s a thing.

I do feel that I owe it somehow to us all to say that I found my coping mechanisms, and ran away with them for a long while. I have not made any less than thousands of mistakes.

I have not always been a very good friend. I have used different people, different things, and a lot of different places to try and try and try to make myself feel better. Not knowing even that I didn’t feel fine.

None of that worked, and I have caused plenty, and I mean plenty, of destruction. To some of those destroyed, I have apologized, but not all. So while we’re here, to anyone who needs to hear it, I am sorry. I thought it’d be selfish to remind you of me. Sincerely.

I can see myself more clearly now, as a child drowning in the middle of a lake. There are all these people standing around throwing me lifesavers of all different kinds, and I reach for them, one after the other after the other to find that they are all made of stone. And deeper and deeper I go.

And then there are so many things that make me feel better, for the moment that they are cutting off the supply of oxygen to my brain anyway. And the stone lifesavers were the only obvious answer, and so I’m trying to stack them up and stand on top of them, but to no avail, and I stayed there for a long time. Struggling, wildly rushing to stay afloat while grabbing onto giant, slippery rocks.

I’m not sure I feel it super necessary to expose myself any further than this today, but I do just want to make sure we are all aware that I am not without regret. Even so, way inside of the deepest parts of me, where I have found floatation, I am glad that I made it here, and I cannot clearly see that there could have been another path to it.

I hope you find gratitude in every step of the journey to your peaceful place. That you learn to forgive yourself and others. That you find stillness in this moment. That urgency and anxiety are unable to overwhelm your heartspace. That you breathe, wait, listen to your whispering soul, and find peace when you cannot see it.

Haaaaaaaaave ya met Jonny? He’s my friend. No big deal, except that he’s totally amazing! He’s got a podcast too. Enjoying a meal with this human is one of my most favorite things to do. He eats like a ballet dances - ya know, French-people-perfect-manners. Every time I eat salad I think of him, and his tiny perfect triangles unfazed by the notion of time. Also, he’s hilarious. Okay, have a listen.